“Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made.”

~ Bill Watterson

No Calamity has happened but I have decided to change my routine a bit. Well, atleast try to change it. And mistakes – well, I’ve made some but you can’t keep looking back and wallow over past. Think for a bit, learn(and remember) the lessons and keep walking. Keep Walking.

Change

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

~ Reinhold Niebuhr

Last few days have been different for me, different in a very different sort of way. I wonder whether I have actually changed as a result and more than anything…will I retain and remember everything that is in my mind right now, especially since I am not writing it down anywhere. This time, this one…I shouldn’t have to work towards remembering.

In life, the only thing we can change is probably our attitude. And sometimes, it is the simplest of things which change our attitudes in the most unexpected way. Sometimes, it is the simplest, most insignificant things which makes us feel alive, much more than anything possibly could.

I am grateful but I hope my gratitude never translates into complacency.

Men will be Men !!!

This man has a life every man would dream of and is feeling guilty to have it all!!!

A homemaker and a soul mate…two different people…wow!  To me, the homemaker sounds more like a warm caretaker(here). Typically a man is responsible for her and their children. And the one whom he calls a soul-mate, seems to be a person he desires (mostly physically).  He claims to love them both equally…why wouldn’t he…he gets everything he wants! And his definition of love is … ?

Its amazing…the women here have no problems with this arrangement either. I don’t think I can “love” any man so much that I would be willing to accept such an arrangement and share him with another woman. I’d much rather be a bit more selfish!

Once, there was a discussion of this sort and I had voiced my opinion, quite vociferously I might add (which is typical of me). One of the people there asked me…what is worse, your man sleeping with another woman or his mind belonging to her while he is with you? Not quite getting into the question of infidelity, what would upset a woman more…thoughts of another woman or arms of another woman around your husband?

Life is so very Beautiful

It’s not just an eye opener. It shook me completely. I have never been so happy and so sad in my life.

The last two days (earlier in the week) were probably one of the saddest days of my life. For the first time I realized what real depression felt like. And for the first time I felt so happy yesterday…so so absolutely happy to live my life, just the way it is. I have never felt so have to have epilepsy! My dear darling Epilepsy, my baby…we’ll be friends forever. I’ll never ever treat you badly from now on. I’ll never say anything bad about you. I love my life…every bit of it!!!

For the first time I realized that the nervous system is very important…but there are other parts of the body which are important too.

Death is not the worst that can happen to a person…though that is something I already knew, but never actually felt it. There is a lot of difference between knowing something, try to imagine it in your mind and actually feeling the real possibility of it. Of course actually going through something is …well, no words. I wish no one…absolutely no one has to suffer any of this. Health is definitely the real wealth. Forget about comparing…nothing even comes close.

Life is so beautiful. It is so very beautiful…you really can’t afford to take anything for granted.

Wonder what’ll happen tomorrow…

The more I read and know…the more disillusioned and disheartened I get. My heart is almost sinking. What will they say tomorrow. Not something nice for sure…but how bad…how bad is it…what stage…

I was so much better and happy a week back, with all those health problems and other problems I had in life. Actually I was so happy, had no problems at all…or atleast I had learnt to cope with them. How just the sudden knowledge of something gets depression in your life, without it directly affecting you substantially, presently. For the first time, I really don’t want to know my future, maybe because I can guess a part of it…

Today I have nothing else to write except … “WHY ME” ?

Why should I be the chosen one … the lucky one, all the time, every time? Every time, I genuinely begin to thank God, and then something happens and I end up wondering about all his tests. How long … what next … how much more? Of course, I am going to fight…but, is it that bad to ask … why me?

I seriously can’t write anymore!

No, these are not those times when I keep saying that I don’t write sensible stuff, don’t know how to write or can’t get enough time or don’t want to go public. I just simply can’t write.  Da Family thinks I have myself to blame for it. I tell you…totally not funny!!!

Today’s Topic : Other people’s actions, words and thoughts.

(1) I heard some of the most serious people talk gibberish in front of other people. But then they only do so when they are talking to …

hehhehe…seriously, hear them talk to these lovable creatures…just hear (not see) and you’d wonder if they were the same people you knew!

(2) I heard someone say that it can’t be light everywhere on earth (the discussion was supposedly with reference to Diwali). When it is light for someone, it automatically means darkness for someone else. Well, doesn’t automatically means so, but does mean the absence of direct light. Oh yes…there is moonlight etc etc and you can go on and on about that but this man just lost someone to another man. How do you answer that question? I didn’t, I couldn’t. For a moment I thought of using one of these …  night is darkest before dawn, every night is followed by a beautiful day, rainbows follow rain, every cloud has a silver lining, everything happens for good etc etc. But then, we all know these…don’t we? Sometimes all a friend needs is someone to hear him/her out. Just be there and listen to him, say nothing, do nothing…just listen!

(3) I wish people could borrow/lend knowledge or experience for a few days. Then, I’d lend some people some of my experiences (whatever little that I’ve managed to gather) to make them understand somethings and open their eyes . But then, everybody needs to chart out their own path.

However, if we continue with the borrow/lend theory…then I could borrow some experiences…something like reliving those moments of other’s lives in my mind. That would make me aware of what a person feels at that point of time. Cool na? 😀  (Btw, I have yet not seen Inception and do not know its story either…so this idea is not at all inspired by that…as if it makes a difference)

A Festival of Lights

Let this Diwali burn whatever is dark and bad and herald the good times ahead…

My father doesn’t have meat, no not only for health reasons but he could never have it. When he was a kid, they used to sacrifice a goat during kali puja in their family temple and the festivities, sound of dhol, the goat’s petrified face, its helpless cry…everything made my father puke. He never touched meat in his life. My grandmother cooked meat for the family but could never eat it either, for the same reasons.

Bengalis (and most Hindus) are of the opinion that Goddess Kali requires a sacrifice. You need to satisfy her with a living being…be it human or animal…”pashu bali”. But I don’t think that is the way things are. I think “pashu bali” means to kill the “pashu” within us. To think and do positive, constructive things and give up on evil…kill the “evil within us”. That is “bali”. Both Durga and Mahisasur lie within us. Our thoughts and actions define us…who we are. We can choose to be a minuscule part of the good or the evil…really depends on us.

So, this Diwali…I hope, from now on I would be a part of whatever is good, truthful and constructive. 🙂

Happy Deepawali  🙂

My blog should be named arbitrary!

…And that is because “arbitrary” is the only thing that I can write!

Life is getting a bit hilarious. My parents are trying to figure what to write in a matrimonial ad.  Now, it just so happens that they have given away all the old newspapers and so, no sample to work with. All sorts of adjectives come to mind but well, it shouldn’t really extend 5/6 lines…so then, how do I describe my daughter in those lines…hmm.

They haven’t taken my advise (which, let me be a bit modest…is not always wrong 😀 ). It is much easier to just look at the “Brides Wanted” page and send interest if you like a profile. But no, they want to spend money, and that too in a useless way!!!

Someone told my brother that Shaadi.com site is not exactly a genuine one and since then my parents have been a bit worried (I wonder why! I haven’t yet gone on date with a man I got in touch with, from that site!). In fact most men are registered in that website because they wouldn’t mind some harmless fun. I agree, it just seems so. People don’t seem to be serious about things…almost, window shopping. But then sometimes, even I think I am window shopping for why else would I back out whenever someone shows some serious interest in me. Why indeed? Do I not trust my choice anymore? Or am I just not ready? Or are they just not the “right ones”.

I know that there is no one-particular perfect person for anyone (I need to get married and totally be in love with that man to actually believe that marriages are made in heaven). And you cannot find everything you asked for in a life partner. But then you have to realise, there are some things you want and somethings you’d not be able to stand and some you’d be indifferent to. For instance I have realised that I cannot live with a snob. In fact chances are that I am going to snub every snob I meet…and I am totally capable of doing so. I can be so unimaginably, incredibly nasty to such people…but then, for that I need to be in a really bad mood. In fact some of us might not even know exactly what they want. And then, after a while a love and an arranged marriage pretty much stand on the same platform. The relationship though depends on your attitude. I think love, fondness or whatever, lies in the little everyday moments which we might just overlook.  Personally, I like spontaneity in a relationship.

So anyways, my mother today inquired about the guy I had related my story to…whether he had replied back. According to her, he should have atleast sent a reply to the mail (which according to her was well written and warranted a reply) and let me know of his decision But then, I reminded her that I had made it rather simple for him…he doesn’t even have to get in touch with me for me to get the answer. This way, it is simple, easy and quick for both parties involved. After all, my aim is to just know an answer, not to put anyone in an uncomfortable position.

I am only thankful that my father didn’t need to do this! But there is a very good thing that I noticed about myself – I do not get emotional about any proposal anymore. Well, this is the second person I’ve met via a matrimonial site…the first was couple of years back and not such a great experience (I wonder why that date went so bad and especially when it was just the two of us and no family…hmm! Nope…square peg, round hole for sure). So, for a second experience, I should be more involved, emotionally…right? But strangely, I am not. I think I now have the ability to chat with a guy, write and even go out on a date without any expectations at all. But then, I think I always had that…I could always do that. I just didn’t know that when men (some of them) say they like you or love you, they do not exactly mean it. Wisdom arrived, albeit a bit late! So anyways, I have actually used this new found knowledge and helped a person…can you believe it 😀

In other news, I find some people very irritating and amusing. I know this girl from masters who is now married etc etc. Her FB profile is filled with her portraits. Well, she is one of those women who have started looking better post-marriage and with age! So everyday, she posts a picture of hers in a new dress. Sometimes just a new pose but mostly in a saree (though I have to admit, she has a good collection). I mean, grow up! There was a time when I used to be over-enthusiastic about taking my snaps, till I realised how much fun it was to take snaps of everything but “me”.  Why and when does a person get obsessed with their own snaps…when they become a bit narcissist. Or when she/he is fishing for compliments…on their dress, looks etc etc. (Well, everybody likes compliments but then on different things). I find this behaviour incredibly immature.

I have realised one thing in the last two years … It is much more fun being a photographer than a model! 🙂

And it still affects…

Today I had gone for a light walk, despite feeling rather unwell. But fresh air is good. And when a few kids saw me, they said…”pata hai…inhone coco ko chod diya”

“kahan chod diya?”

“aaise hi…rastein par chod diya!”

It kinda pinched me somewhere. How can anyone even think that we’d leave coco outside. I spent months trying to search for a good home , interviewed so many people, fished for so much information. I don’t think I would do so much for myself either. We were so scared about her and yes, guilty too. And finally we found a family, who lives nearby, a neighbour’s direct relative, influential, affluent, nice, dog-lovers, who generally do not go out of Delhi. And I felt all those months of search had finally paid off even though I wasn’t the one who found her present owner.

No, not them saying it but the very thought of Coco outside, hunting for food in the streets of Delhi is frightening. No “frightening” is an understatement! I don’t think I could be more sincere than this time…when I say this – I wish that she is always very happy…always!