A Festival of Lights

Let this Diwali burn whatever is dark and bad and herald the good times ahead…

My father doesn’t have meat, no not only for health reasons but he could never have it. When he was a kid, they used to sacrifice a goat during kali puja in their family temple and the festivities, sound of dhol, the goat’s petrified face, its helpless cry…everything made my father puke. He never touched meat in his life. My grandmother cooked meat for the family but could never eat it either, for the same reasons.

Bengalis (and most Hindus) are of the opinion that Goddess Kali requires a sacrifice. You need to satisfy her with a living being…be it human or animal…”pashu bali”. But I don’t think that is the way things are. I think “pashu bali” means to kill the “pashu” within us. To think and do positive, constructive things and give up on evil…kill the “evil within us”. That is “bali”. Both Durga and Mahisasur lie within us. Our thoughts and actions define us…who we are. We can choose to be a minuscule part of the good or the evil…really depends on us.

So, this Diwali…I hope, from now on I would be a part of whatever is good, truthful and constructive. 🙂

Happy Deepawali  🙂

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My blog should be named arbitrary!

…And that is because “arbitrary” is the only thing that I can write!

Life is getting a bit hilarious. My parents are trying to figure what to write in a matrimonial ad.  Now, it just so happens that they have given away all the old newspapers and so, no sample to work with. All sorts of adjectives come to mind but well, it shouldn’t really extend 5/6 lines…so then, how do I describe my daughter in those lines…hmm.

They haven’t taken my advise (which, let me be a bit modest…is not always wrong 😀 ). It is much easier to just look at the “Brides Wanted” page and send interest if you like a profile. But no, they want to spend money, and that too in a useless way!!!

Someone told my brother that Shaadi.com site is not exactly a genuine one and since then my parents have been a bit worried (I wonder why! I haven’t yet gone on date with a man I got in touch with, from that site!). In fact most men are registered in that website because they wouldn’t mind some harmless fun. I agree, it just seems so. People don’t seem to be serious about things…almost, window shopping. But then sometimes, even I think I am window shopping for why else would I back out whenever someone shows some serious interest in me. Why indeed? Do I not trust my choice anymore? Or am I just not ready? Or are they just not the “right ones”.

I know that there is no one-particular perfect person for anyone (I need to get married and totally be in love with that man to actually believe that marriages are made in heaven). And you cannot find everything you asked for in a life partner. But then you have to realise, there are some things you want and somethings you’d not be able to stand and some you’d be indifferent to. For instance I have realised that I cannot live with a snob. In fact chances are that I am going to snub every snob I meet…and I am totally capable of doing so. I can be so unimaginably, incredibly nasty to such people…but then, for that I need to be in a really bad mood. In fact some of us might not even know exactly what they want. And then, after a while a love and an arranged marriage pretty much stand on the same platform. The relationship though depends on your attitude. I think love, fondness or whatever, lies in the little everyday moments which we might just overlook.  Personally, I like spontaneity in a relationship.

So anyways, my mother today inquired about the guy I had related my story to…whether he had replied back. According to her, he should have atleast sent a reply to the mail (which according to her was well written and warranted a reply) and let me know of his decision But then, I reminded her that I had made it rather simple for him…he doesn’t even have to get in touch with me for me to get the answer. This way, it is simple, easy and quick for both parties involved. After all, my aim is to just know an answer, not to put anyone in an uncomfortable position.

I am only thankful that my father didn’t need to do this! But there is a very good thing that I noticed about myself – I do not get emotional about any proposal anymore. Well, this is the second person I’ve met via a matrimonial site…the first was couple of years back and not such a great experience (I wonder why that date went so bad and especially when it was just the two of us and no family…hmm! Nope…square peg, round hole for sure). So, for a second experience, I should be more involved, emotionally…right? But strangely, I am not. I think I now have the ability to chat with a guy, write and even go out on a date without any expectations at all. But then, I think I always had that…I could always do that. I just didn’t know that when men (some of them) say they like you or love you, they do not exactly mean it. Wisdom arrived, albeit a bit late! So anyways, I have actually used this new found knowledge and helped a person…can you believe it 😀

In other news, I find some people very irritating and amusing. I know this girl from masters who is now married etc etc. Her FB profile is filled with her portraits. Well, she is one of those women who have started looking better post-marriage and with age! So everyday, she posts a picture of hers in a new dress. Sometimes just a new pose but mostly in a saree (though I have to admit, she has a good collection). I mean, grow up! There was a time when I used to be over-enthusiastic about taking my snaps, till I realised how much fun it was to take snaps of everything but “me”.  Why and when does a person get obsessed with their own snaps…when they become a bit narcissist. Or when she/he is fishing for compliments…on their dress, looks etc etc. (Well, everybody likes compliments but then on different things). I find this behaviour incredibly immature.

I have realised one thing in the last two years … It is much more fun being a photographer than a model! 🙂

And it still affects…

Today I had gone for a light walk, despite feeling rather unwell. But fresh air is good. And when a few kids saw me, they said…”pata hai…inhone coco ko chod diya”

“kahan chod diya?”

“aaise hi…rastein par chod diya!”

It kinda pinched me somewhere. How can anyone even think that we’d leave coco outside. I spent months trying to search for a good home , interviewed so many people, fished for so much information. I don’t think I would do so much for myself either. We were so scared about her and yes, guilty too. And finally we found a family, who lives nearby, a neighbour’s direct relative, influential, affluent, nice, dog-lovers, who generally do not go out of Delhi. And I felt all those months of search had finally paid off even though I wasn’t the one who found her present owner.

No, not them saying it but the very thought of Coco outside, hunting for food in the streets of Delhi is frightening. No “frightening” is an understatement! I don’t think I could be more sincere than this time…when I say this – I wish that she is always very happy…always!

A Boring Boy

A boy has started to bore our household for the last two days…

And I have sort of managed to embarrass myself in front of this boring boy.

This boring young boy landed straight from Kolkatta to our house yesterday. No, didn’t stay at our place but was mostly here. Dad can’t move and since his advice is much sought after, this kid was asked to come all the way from W.B. So, now what is the problem with him…

One – He is a bit irritating. But then, he is a kid…so, forgiven.

Two- Imagine which songs I was singing in the evening, while making tea.  No No…just guess…please guess…

Abhi na jaao choddke kar ke dil abhi bhara nahi…

I mean….REALLY!!!

And I didn’t realise this for a long time till someone called out my name. The song got dislodged for some time and then again…absolutely mindlessly, I started singing again. That’s when I realised this and decided enough is enough and started to sing another song. And what did my mind pick up at “that” spur of the moment (which I started to sing without thinking again!)…

O pardesi…meetha sa chara hai bukhar…

I mean, really…really…why…

Hmm

Hmmm…more nonsense to fill the pages.

I think I am obsessed with AB bashing. My brother has a friend who is a high profile journalist and according to her  Big B is having a relationship with Ash and everyone knows about it but can’t write about it since they’d be sued for sure. Afterall, there is no evidence of an affair. But even the thought of it is kinda sick. About two years back, my friend had made a comment… “they are always seen together, in every function & event. And most often their spouses are not with them!” I thought that was a ridiculous observation but it was one for sure.

After telling everyone in the apartment and all my friends that I am fine, I have suddenly started feeling very unwell since yesterday. Its not just weakness but I feel like I am about to fall…oh but that is weakness, right? Diwali Mela is going on but I am pretty much sitting at home and watching Mighty Joe Young right now though, frankly, I am not very interested in it. I have already watched it once and parts of it are such emotional, tear jerking moments. I don’t enjoy terribly emotional stuff these days…though this one isn’t one of them. Instead I am waiting for a terribly horror story which follows this  movie…which my parents aren’t too excited about. Actually, chances are…they’d make me change channels. When it comes to horror, no ones quite appreciates my taste…tsk tsk.

I don’t feel like calling him up right now. Actually don’t feel like calling up anyone…quite grumpy and unwell. But he toh never texts back and I need his email id. Will send an email telling him about my health issues. Thank God he called day before, now my father won’t need to go and talk about me. He and his parents can discuss and decide. I am quite relieved actually. Ma feels bad about pushing me in front all the time to talk about this issue. But then, it is much better for me to feel bad than my parents. They are old and wouldn’t be able to take small things. And now, I am very professional about all this.

And what will he say? Would he write back? Wonder what would he think. Must come as a shock to him. He said he is a calculating person…what does that mean? That wouldn’t add figures on the credit side for sure. But I am too tired to think anything. The ball is in his court and whatever happens happens for the good. That I’ve learnt in life in the last few days, especially after getting to know A and what all she went through in life. I can only thank God for taking such good care of me!  🙂

I know what will totally cheer me up right now. Chicken Pizza from Pizza Hut and Cheese Ginger garlic bread (with Thumps Up 😀  ), both of which I can not have. I am told that I have very bad eating habits…hmmm. If I was staying alone, I would have definately, for sure ordered that! Unlike others, chocolates do not cheer me up…burgers and pizzas do…maybe because I rarely have them…I think only once a month…isn’t that too low a figure for something that you love so much! Parents!!!

p.s- he called to find out about my health. so sweet 🙂  and that kinda made me feel better. Though pizza would definately have had a more lasting effect…oh I totally love it!

But then, he doesn’t know anything yet. He seems like the responsible types actually, who would think and take a decision…good or bad. Quite unlike the earlier one who really had no responsibility, intention and was in no way serious about anything. But then, that’s how you differentiate between two people…put them in similar situations and see how they react. I am not saying that I would get a positive reaction but a responsible one!

New Beginings

“The beginning is the most important part of the work.”

~ Plato

I am a bit tired of telling myself that I do not know where I am going and hence moving in circles. Actually, I am not moving at all. So, I have decided to shed my inertia and do something for a change. So, what could possibly go wrong – I’ll mess up the one life I’ve got. Well, that’s not that bad considering the fact that “I’d” mess it up by “doing” something and not by not doing anything.

I have to overcome this inertia and begin somewhere.  And this new beginning is not just a physical change but a change in attitude too…

I cannot go about pitying myself or giving excuses to myself about what all I do not have. I have got too much in life to think thus. I’d just be wasting whatever I already have by thinking this way. No, you get nothing without hard-work & planning. Just decide on something and get on it!!!

Want, Think, plan, manage, work, execute…there is a method to everything. No, its never too late to start. Start all over again. No smileys this time!

A “HUGE” Piece of “MY” Mind!!!

When I don’t have anything to write then, this is what my posts look like —

Let me begin with yesterday

If I ever meet him, I’d give him a piece of my mind. And by that I mean a HUGE piece of my mind.

Some stuff just slipped out of my father’s mouth yesterday night, quite inadvertently and I ended up listening to parts of it. Five years might be a long time but if someone says something as unpleasant as that about your daughter, you are bound to remember that. Remember every single word of it !!!

Apparently his father had told my father that “this” is a terrible, dreadful “disease” and “how could my father even approach them!”. And why did my father not tell them about such a disease. That he spent a sleepless night filled with nightmares just thinking about it, forget about marriage. And that ofcourse, he won’t get his son married here.

Well, the last part is perfectly fine. This can definately be a reason and anyone can have their own preferences. In fact to a large extent, I can understand the problem one might have with epilepsy. But lets face it, more than the medical aspect of it, we look at the social aspect. According to my doctor (and all doctors I have come across and discussed this with), there really is no medical problem associated with living a normal marred life. And then, when it comes to arranged marriages, one would want a “flawless” groom/bride for one’s daughter/son.  But to say that I had a terrible disease and baba shouldn’t have approached them at all? And I now feel like going and correcting him and telling him that his son did know about it…just conveniently forgot to tell him about it! But its too long back in past to go through all this in my mind.

Few days back, K told (reminded me actually) of something when we were talking about approaching doctors for matrimonial alliances, since they would have a better understanding of the issue at hand. But then, it doesn’t happen that way. You see, you would expect that if a man has been through a certain sort of  experience in his life where he might have had to face a particular sort of situation, then he might just be more sensitive in dealing with other similar situations. You don’t need to agree or accept but you should have sensitivity. But then, there is a huge difference between expectation and reality.

Had I known this exact conversation (part of which my father refuses to tell me even today because he thinks that it would hurt me in some weird way), his son would have for sure borne the brunt of my anger. How dare he say that…my father was not exactly forcing me on his son!!! Had I known this conversation, I wouldn’t have spoken with him for the rest of my life. I wonder why I did so anyways. What was I thinking going after a nincompoop like him whose main motive in life is to earn money!!! I just totally wasted by time and emotions on a person who was totally not worth it. And the only thing, which is the best thing that I am left with after all this is -FREEDOM!!! From him, his ideas, his twisted, toxic world and him 😀 ! Wow…this feels more liberating than ever.

For his good, I hope I never meet him again. For if I do, I will surely tear him apart. You can say a hundred things about and to me, but to my father…that is a big “NO”! And especially when I’ve told him about my health condition, his father really had no right to humiliate baba. I will not forget “this”, till my father doesn’t forget. But then I know, if I ever do meet him then that would be years or even decades from now…by which time I would have actually forgotten him and his face.  Things like this destroys any semblance of a good image you might have had about people and actually leaves you wondering about them…wondering really really hard. But then, that’s them and I am more than happy that this toxic, tormenting, decaying thing in my life is finally over! This feeling does not arise from bitterness, it is an anger over my choice of people and how I spend my time. My friends tell me that I sell myself short and I deserve to be with someone much nicer, as a person. Till yesterday, I had no clue on “how short” was short!!!

I was wrong…not intelligent, nice and simple. In the end, it really isn’t about intelligence (one should stay away from the “street smart” types for sure) or looks (which I’ve never ever been particular about), money (which honestly can’t buy you love or time) and sometimes, even love (which might subside with time… Remember the song…kehte hain pyaar ka rishta hai janam ka rishta, hai janam ka jo ye rishta toh badalta kyoon hai… ) but the sort of person you are. It definately is about the person…

It is a bit strange but unlike most people, I don’t believe in soul-mates.  Maybe that is because I am dreamy but not romantic at heart. I do not believe that if I get married to someone in this lifetime, he’d be with me for the next seven lifetimes. I would look at it as two people who have found love, and are ready to work at it and just love spending time with each other and want to grow old together. They would have some good and some bad days but all of it would be weathered together. I think, as human beings, our souls are intrinsically solitary (not alone) in nature which has its own journey to complete. Yes, you find other souls who influence you, move with you but then that isn’t and cannot just be one particular person. It is also my mother, father, brother who I connect with in a special way. My lover/husband isn’t my only soul-mate. In anycase, I have never quite been in love…huge infatuations but never love. And infatuations with imaginary characters or absolutely useless people. Humph!!!

Few days back…

I got in touch with a girl who is a few years younger to me. Her brother was in the same class as me and she is a couple of years younger to me. Had read about her injury (and medical negligence which made her life worse) in her blog and wrote to her, telling her about Ayurveda etc. She replied back yesterday telling me about how she remembered me from school and her brother etc etc. Its embarrassing to now write to her and tell her that I do not recall her brother’s face (esp since he seems to be from my section!).  I think I have a way of filtering people. I forget things and people who I don’t think are important to me… a seriously selective memory 😀 . I wish I could do something for her though. She comes across as a very very strong person but also seems to be heading into depression. When I read her story, I realised how easy it has been for me comparatively.  I have to thank God…for he took (and still does 🙂 ) real good care of me. I wish she recovers fast…

Today…

My anger had subsided considerably by today morning but I would still suggest that Mr.Dollars/writer/hypocrite keeps out of my way, for his own good.

Lots to write on another front. Am confused. Sometimes, I think that he seems like a nice guy and sometimes I find him a bit weird. I don’t know him even a slight bit and that is what is worrying me. I have nothing against him except for the fact that I don’t know him. I want to tell him about myself, my health issues, my life, thoughts…anything he might want to know and hear and know about his thoughts, life etc etc. Surprisingly he doesn’t want to know anything. I don’t want to know about his past etc but would like to spend some time with him. I do understand that everything is never perfect and so we might not share similar likes or dislikes. For instance, he might not be excited about travelling. But I would like to know him as a person. Though I am told that even after a dozen meetings I wouldn’t quite be able to gauge a person. In anycase, all these thoughts should come much later. We will tell them about epilepsy now…lets see how they react and how that meeting goes. Our seriousness about the entire affair is depended on how the next meeting goes. His father seems like someone who is upfront about things…atleast that’s what baba says. Ma likes his mother.  I have no clue about anything. We aren’t hoping for a great reaction but if they are outright rude to baba, we are definately going to walk out! If they are not…things could actually work out for good …  🙂

Okay Today –

I went to Vimhans today. Everyone at home thought that we must get updates before starting this entire process again. We asked the doctor about how to break the news to others…should we just say fits and medicines or take the name and explain fully. I mean afterall, they would ask or try to find out, so its best to give as many details as possible. He said that medically, there is no problem in leading a healthy, happy married life. Even when you decide to have kids, medicines could be reduced or taken off.  And it doesn’t affect anyone’s married life in any other way, if you know what I mean 😀

But it is the stigma and the lack of understanding attached to it which makes all the difference. There is also the cultural factor here. For instance people in southern parts of India do not think of it as big a problem as in the Northern parts of India. It is easier if you find a guy who has epilepsy too and then the understanding is much better. Things are also different in case of love marriages, which isn’t happening right now. So, its very tricky. There is no sure shot formula to break the news and you can not predict how anyone would react…individual differences will exist always. I thought we should tell them on email about it and let them grasp it and understand it and discuss it. But baba thinks otherwise and so we’ll go ahead with it. I just hope that it doesn’t affect him badly. I mean I can get over the fact that people have problems with epilepsy but I will not and shall not be able to take it if my father is insulted in any way!!!

Okay, so that’s that.

Tomorrow is a new day. It is actually a new day 🙂

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